Man of Steel movie review

Lately it’s been raining a lot, so I decided that spending time indoors wouldn’t be a bad idea and bravely faced hordes of teenagers and kids to go to the movie theater in the nearby mall. Since “World War Z” opens next week I bought tickets for “Man of Steel” the new Superman movie with Morpheus and that stiff FBI agent from Boardwalk Empire.

The movie is a reboot of the Superman series after the disastruous “Superman Returns” that nobody liked, that came years and years after the ones with Christopher Reeves that everyone liked, even more since he fell from a horse.

Superman is one of the most beloved comic figures since ever because he is a weird kid growing up in a shithole of a place, but secretly he’s the only survivor of his planet’s destruction and, instead of getting cancer from Earth’s more powerful Sun, he gets superhuman powers, to the point that he’s practically god-like. Kids love that shit, especially because the character was made up by two weird kids growing up in a shithole, so they knew what they were talking about.

Well, back to the movie. It happens that he wasn’t so much the only survivor. Like in the old Superman movie a number of convicts survived in the Phantom Zone, the destruction frees them and arrive on Earth looking for Sup because he’s the key to rebuilding Krypton. They also want to take over Earth and rebuild Krypton on top.

Anyway, Sup has just been through a world tour trying to find himself (we don’t see the parts where he travels to India, finds a guru, experiments with drugs, sex and psychodelic music, but I’m sure they’re there) and is unsure of what side to support. (SPOILER: he sides with the humans).

The movie is ok. Lots of action and levels of destruction that would make Goku proud, at the same time it is also more mature posing questions about identity and self-awareness that then get completely forgotten, I guess because otherwise the movie would be too long and it was already time to kick butt. Also, they tried that with the last Superman and it was a disaster, so it’s probably better they just barely touched on Sup’s daddy issues after the first half.

I didn’t stay after the credits because I really had to go to the bathroom, so I don’t know if there are teasers for upcoming Justice League movies, or super chimp, or super horse (look them up, they existed).

Overall the movie is entertaining and a good reboot of the character. I give it 6 out of 10 chocolate raisins.

Now, to the really important part. Here’s what I learned from this movie:

1. Capes are all the rage in dieing worlds.
2. If you have a choice between saying “Kneel before Zod!” or not, say it. Even if you’re not Zod.
3. It doesn’t matter how fast you are falling, as long as it’s not the ground that stops you it’s ok.
4. Same for being hit by a mass of around 100 kilos at 400 km/hr. If it’s a guy your organs won’t be pulverized.
5. Chicks dig it when you destroy half a city.
6. If your eyes get all red it could be an infection or you could be about to shoot death rays.
7. Only have one backup of your entire species, who needs multiple redundancy for that?
8. Don’t threaten Superman’s mom.

The Great Gatsby movie review.

Last Saturday I went to the talkies to watch the Great Gatsby movie. It was good, although it could have used more plasmids to go along the Bioshock-inspired setting (Google Bioshock if you need to).

DiCaprio was good, but I still like Redford better in that role. And I’ve never been much of a fan of Tobey McGuire though he could have been more annoying in this movie.


The movie looks more or less like this but with less psychic powers and weirder mutants. Photo by Bludgeoner86.

There was a power failure in the theatre but it was in the end when the credits were rolling, so I couldn’t find out if there was a bloopers reel.

Anyway, here’s what I learned from this movie:

  1. When the ultra rich complain about what miserable life they’ve had, it’s really hard to feel sorry for them.
  2. It’s better to be rich and unloved than poor and unloved, or poor and loved for that matter. Rich people just have it better.
  3. I mean, rich and poor will complain about the same shit, but the rich will do it in their mansion.
  4. Just tell people you’re a scoundrel from the beginning. It’ll save a lot of trouble and in the end they’ll think you’re not too bad for a scoundrel.
  5. If you come up with this convoluted plan to steal your old girlfriend but she says she’d just rather run away, just grab a bag and go, because…
  6. You can’t trust women to stick to the plan (specially if it’s full of false assumptions).
  7. You also can’t trust them to not run over people when they’re upset.
  8. Tall golfer ladies are hot.
  9. Dusselbergs are cool.
  10. Popcorn makes me gassy.

I give this movie 8 chocolate raisins out of 10.

Splice: A movie review

The movie Splice is a rarity these days: a pure science fiction movie without delving into fantasy or space opera (sorry, geeks, Star Wars and Star Trek are not what I would define as pure science fiction). It was made by the same guy who made Cube.

It’s also a cautionary tale with a clear moral: Don’t get involved with crazy chicks, specially if they can make genetically engineered mutants.

There are many things to like about this movie. Except for the epilogue it’s joyfully unpredictable, the real monster is not the monster (just like in Frankenstein the real monster is not the monster) and it makes you wonder at what lurks inside the hearts of men and women, something that normally only the Shadow would know.

It’s a very refreshing movie, the kind that very rarely sees the light of day, let alone widespread distribution. And hard sci-fi! Talk about rare! It was also made in Ontario during Winter, something I love.

The story is kind of sad but very profound and with many, many layers. It can be about the objective of science, the perversion of science for individual gain, ethics, what is being human, parenthood and parenting, growing up, alienation, love and the shit we are willing to take because of it (and crazy women).

It will make you think, and wonder at the motivations of some people. It will certainly make you wish you had a prehensil tail with a stinger.

I imagine it will affect you differently if you have children (I don’t, but making mutants looks like fun, I’ll wait until I can get a home kit or something).

It’s not perfect, the handling of the secondary characters could have been a lot better, specially some of the relationships and some of the later scenes are not as powerful as a result. Some people will be reminded of other works like Frankenstein, The Fly and Jurassic Park; there are some common elements (if you want to generalize there are elements of Frankenstein in everything) but the end result is very different.

The verdict

Anyway, it’s a great movie! Go see it as soon as you have the chance. I give it a 8 out of 10 chocolate raisins. I would give it 10 but I ate the last one and the epilogue is a tad predictable. At least it’s not a happy ending. If you like happy endings go see another movie.

Things I learned from this movie

  • If your girlfriend/wife refuses to talk about her family, that’s a strong hint she’s crazy.
  • We’ve all learned this one way or another but it bears repeating: avoid crazy chicks, specially the perfectionist/control-freak kind, they’re the worst! This advice can save your life.
  • Losing our tails was an evolutionary mistake. We should have added a stinger instead.
  • There’s another lesson I learned but it’s a big spoiler, so I won’t put it here.

Daybreakers movie review

I just come from watching the movie Daybreakers. It’s a horror/sci-fi/fantasy movie set in the mythical land of Australia, and it’s about a group of hippie humans who try to break down society by turning vampires back into people.

Just like in Richard Matheson‘s excellent I Am Legend (the novel, not the mediocre movie) humans are turned into vampires by some unspecified infection. Also like in I Am Legend vampires build a society pretty much like the one before, except with a swanky style of fashion, something weird happening to the visual textures and brighter reds. Unlike I Am Legend in this movie there are a few humans running around trying to escape capture from vampires who use them as cattle for their blood.

You see, vampires can’t survive without human blood, they haven’t developed a substitute yet (also unlike I Am Legend) though they’re working on it because their supplies of humans are running low (it figures, humans at last are good for something and just then they go extinct) and without human blood they degenerate into creatures physically like Nosferatu but wild and savage.

Unfortunately for the Ozzie vampires, free-range humans don’t like being hunted down and tend to hide away. Edward is a human-hugger vampire scientist working on blood substitute. By accident (literally) he gets contacted by a group of humans who is working on a cure for vampirism.

Yadda-yadda-yadda… car chase yadda-yadda-yadda… they find the cure… yadda-yadda-yadda… they get captured yadda-yadda-yadda… the bad guy dies… and … that’s it. There really is no “good guys win” ending, which makes this movie really good. It leaves it up to you, the viewer, to think about what’s going to happen now.

The story is good, with the requisite plot twists and quintessential questions about the meaning of humanity, immortality and life without making them obvious. Plus, there are also lots of gory bits flying around, severed heads, limbs and some guts.

In my scale of chocolate raisins vs smelly socks, this movie gets a well-deserved 4 raisins out of 5.

Things I learned from this movie:
– In the year 2019 Chrysler will still be around (ok, this is the bit that makes this fantasy)
– If you’re allergic to sunlight a tree is good enough cover (even though UV rays still hit you from all angles)
– It’s always good to have a sharpened wooden stake nearby (well, I learned this from Fright Night)
– Finding good take-out when you’re a vampire is pretty hard.

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